- "Guy's a fucking pussy with a cauliflower dick! He's like a used tampon."
- — Sharon Osbourne
Bert McCracken is the lead singer and songwriter of the American rock band The Used and former boyfriend to Kelly Osbourne.
Role in The Osbournes[]
Burt first appeared in Series 2 of The Osbournes in the episode Beauty and the Bert. Here, it was revealed that Kelly had started dating him. This caught the attention of her brother, Jack who knew Bert through rumours that he vomits on stage and has a "cauliflower dick". Upon this discovery, Jack told their mother, Sharon, about Bert. Sharon took an instant disliking to him and warned Kelly of disappointment. It didn't help that he took drugs at the time. Bert eventually enters the Osbourne home, but was hiding away from Sharon, "fearing" her. Bert eventually comes face to face with Sharon who humiliates him in front of his friends and Kelly. Ozzy Osbourne was eventually informed of Bert and Kelly, to which he didn't seem to take much note other than considering Bert a "dork".
Bert would make frequent appearances here and there throughout the series, with some cameos in My Big Fat Jewish Wedding dancing and comforting Kelly during the celebrations.
Though not physically appearing, Bert played a large role in Season 2 finale. Relations between Kelly and Burt had his an alltime low, with the two getting in arguments and a supposed proposal occurring. Then on Valentines Day, Bert rang Kelly to tell her the relationship was over. This aggravated the Osbourne Family, who already hated him, but absolutely brought distraught to Kelly. Kelly began by blaming her family, attacking Jack and Sharon in particular. She walked out of the home in frustration but eventually came back some time after and eventually laid all the blame on Bert.
It is revealed in the 2018 Podcast reboot, in the episode Jim Norton that both Bert and Kelly are no longer enemies and both are in fact good friends once more. Kelly also reveals that she finds his children "sweet".
Controversy[]
Outside of the TV show there was roar of controversy surrounding Kelly and Bert's relationship as many saw that Bert was depicted unfairly. With the airing of the Season 2 finale featuring the break up being a prime target. Bert was ultimately depicted as a "villain" which brought about anger from The Used band members. Bert himself expressed deep regret for his own actions stating:
- "I did it over the phone. I'm such a dickhead. She's the most important girlfriend I've ever had. We're best friends. It was just always so pleasant when she was around. And it smelled better. [Laughs] I've been down in the dumps. I want to be with her, but I just can't. I don't want to date other girls. I'm just not ready for a relationship, period, let alone a huge, public relationship. I just hope that someday I can maybe be with someone as good and perfect as she is."
- — Bert in 2003[1]
Meanwhile Kelly was furious with Bert and his band, attacking them in many interviews and claimed the break up was because of his ego. It didn't help that The Used became more popular due to The Osbournes to the dismay of the band members who believed no one was truly listening to their music. Bert became depressed after the Kelly break up with the show offering no comfort [2] which brought about tensions and splits in the band, Bert blamed himself for all of the problems that occurred. Buet eventually decided to become "100%" sober and within the same year of breaking up with Kelly, Bert started going out with a woman called Kate, with whom they were expecting a child. [3]
However in 2004, Bert and Kate split up and soon afterwards, sadly Kate, and their unborn child, died of a drug overdose.
Trivia[]
- Kelly considers any episode with Bert in to be some of the worst for the Osbournes